We bloggers are an affectionate bunch. Most of us, aside from a few judgemental assholes, have nothing but love for one another and get our kicks leaving comments and showing our respect for each other. 

Sometimes it makes me want to cry. Fo reals.

In order to show our appreciation, we often give out awards. I was lucky enough to have this one passed along to mea few weeks ago by one of my single mama soul mates over at Not Your Average Single Momma. 

This award comes with a challenge of listing 10 things that make me happy. You might think this is an easy task, but when life has thrown you lemons for awhile it’s more difficult than you could imagine.

Lucky for me, I have an excellent recipe for lemonade.

So here we go, 10 Things That Make Mely Happy, in no particular order:

1.) The sound of my son’s laughter. There is nothing like it in the world. It’s so pure and genuine and full of life. As cheesy as it sounds, my heart literally feels like it might burst every time I hear it.

2.) The words I love you. Saying them, hearing them, never fails to make me smile. I don’t even have to be involved. It could be me overhearing two strangers exchanging the words and I still feel the mushies.

3.) Snuggles. Oh how I love the snuggles. There’s something about that warmth and physical contact that soothes my soul and calms me.

4.) Writing. Since I was a child I’ve always loved to write. It’s that feeling of accomplishment when I’ve finished an article, paper, poem, list, or blog entry that fills me with pride. It’s the release of whatever is floating around in my head that makes me all tingly.

5.) Comfort food. This is probably really unhealthy, both mentally and physically, but when I take a bite of something really delicious it fills me with the warm and fuzzies. Now if only I could stop after one bite….

6.) Sunshine. The warmth of it, the light of it. I can’t get enough.

7.) Music. Techno is my favorite, there’s something about the feeling of the bass throughout my body. And there are usually no words so you can just focus on the actual music. LOVE IT! There’s also nothing like getting totally lost in the lyrics of a good song as they take you back to a memory.

8 .) Reading. I love a good book. The feeling of the pages between your fingers. The way you get to use YOUR ACTUAL IMAGINATION instead of staring at a T.V. screen. Nuff said.

9.) Silence. Sometimes there is more said in silence than an entire conversation. Plus, I rarely get a minute of silence with a 4-year-old. Silence truly is golden.

10.) Romantic Comedies. What can I say, I’m a cheeser. Putting two of my favorite things together, love and laughter, is a true recipe for happiness. The last one I saw, “It’s Complicated” made me laugh until I cried. Tears from laughter are the best.

I had never been a fan of Valentine’s Day. They’d always just left me feeling disappointed, UNTIL I became a Mom.

You see, for my entire life I had thought Valentine’s Day was strictly about romantic love and so any year that I was lacking that on February 14th, I would get ridiculously depressed and angry.

I would be jealous of all of the other people who had dates, or got flowers, or even candy. There were even times where I wished couples harm because they just looked so damn happy.

How dare THEY be happy when I WAS NOT.

I cursed Hallmark for their sappy cards and Russel Stover for their ass widening chocolates.   

Basically I was the grinch of Valentine’s Day, and frankly I liked it that way.

Then I had my son and my heart opened up to a whole new kind of love. Now, I don’t know how I ever lived without it.

Really, I don’t think I was living at all.

Last year was the first time Aidan became interested in Valentine’s Day and it was the first year he gave me a card. It’s pictured above.

This is what it said inside:

When I read it, I cried. It was one of the sweetest cards I had ever gotten. It just suited me, perfectly.

It also meant a lot to me that even though Aidan’s father and I were having problems, he went out of his way to pick out this card.

In a way, I thought this card could save us. Obviously it didn’t, but the ”thanks” my ex wrote inside meant more to me than he will ever know.  

I still have it tucked away in my memory box. I keep it more as a memory of my ex showing a side of himself I rarely got to see, rather than a reminder of Aidan’s first Valentine’s card to me.

I wonder what, if anything, is in store for me this Valentine’s Day.

If it’s nothing I’ll still be happy knowing that I have a whole lot of love in my life, even if it’s not the romantic kind.

Happy Valentine’s Day, lovies! XOXO

Wow, this is a tough one.

I hate to admit it but I’d have to choose Britney Spears. I relate to her all too well when it comes to the parallels in our love lives.

OK truth be told I LURVE her.

Of course, I’m not rich or a singer or an entertainer, although sometimes I like to pretend I am, but as far as relationships go and momentary, or sometimes longer, lapses in sanity, Ms. Brit Brit and I could be twins.

It shames me to say that there was a time in my life that I judged her. Ya know, that whole period in her life where she seemed to abandon her babies and go on a partying binge. You see, at that time in her life I thought I had everything together in mine. I thought I had completely figured out how to have it all: the baby, the “husband”, the house with the white picket fence, ok it was an apartment. But at that point in my life I was so completely blinded by the love for my new born baby and my new found job as a mommy, that I couldn’t understand how someone like her could not feel the same.

Then, nearly three years later I got it.

When I lost what I thought was the love of my life, nothing else seemed to matter… not even my beautiful and amazing son.

I was consumed my the anger and the pain. I felt utterly and completely alone, although I wasn’t. I felt lost because it was as if I didn’t know who I was anymore.

And it’s true that in the beginning of my single life, I would drink myself to sleep after Aidan was in bed, just so I wouldn’t have to feel anything or face what was going on.

It shames me to admit how I emotionally neglected him in the months following my separation. I sunk into such a deep depression that not even his angelic smile could pull me out.

I was there for him, but I really wasn’t. For awhile it was only a shell of me, going through the motions just to get through each day.

It is a time in my life that I am not at all proud of. I can only thank god, or whatever higher power, that somehow I eventually found the strength to pull myself out of the funk and start to live again, not only for him, but for myself as well.

I get Ms. Britney Spears and I’d be proud to have her play me in a movie about my life.

Plus, she’s got a killer after baby bod

Some of you might think I’m crazy. I’m almost positive at least 80% of my family will.

I’m going to Disney World for 5 days and 4 nights with my ex, and our son. And my ex father in law.

Looking in from the outside I might think I was foolish too but a lot of thought went into my decision. It wasn’t an easy one to make.

For nearly four years my ex father in law had offered to pay for a trip to Disney for me, my ex and our son. He’s a very generous man when it comes to material things. God bless him for that.

Every year when he offered I wanted to jump on the opportunity, but alas my ex didn’t want to accept a hand out from his father.

Obviously he was a stubborn ass.

This year, the year that we are no longer together, he decided to accept his fathers offer. Ironic isn’t it? I guess his new found financial burden has humbled him.

Fortunately for me, my ex father in law was gracious enough to once again extend the invitation to me as well.

At first I thought the idea was ridiculous. What sane woman would go on a vacation with her ex? But then the more I thought about it, I decided I would be an idiot to turn down my chance to go on a virtually FREE vacation, and an even bigger jackass to turn down the opportunity to be with my son on his first visit to Disney World.    

Let it be clear that I am NOT going for my ex. I am going for myself and my son.

I truly believe I’ve gotten to a point where the romantic attachment to my ex is gone. I NEVER thought I’d get here. 

Do I still care for him, yes. But it feels completely different than it used to. I feel compassion for him as an individual, not as my partner.

We now live two separate lives and I am my own person, as is he. We’re free from the definitions and rules we used to have as a couple.

A lot of people might not understand our new relationship because they’ve never allowed themselves to get to that point with an ex. Maybe they’ve held on to the hurt and anger. Or maybe their exes are just plain assholes.

Whatever the case, some people just can’t let go. And that’s ok.  

I just didn’t want to be one of them anymore. 

I work hard, and even though I have 3 jobs it will be a LONG time before I can  afford to take Aidan on a vacation.  Why should I turn down the chance to go on one now just because society feels it’s not normal?

We’ll be staying in a time share with 3 bedrooms, so there will be no problems with me having my own room as far as sleeping arrangements.

My ex and I get along well right now, so things being awkward won’t be an issue.

And if times get tough, there’s a bar located right on the timeshare property!

The only issue will be the one that other people make because they are uncomfortable with the idea of my ex and I getting along after everything that happened between us.

Like I’ve said before, we may not be romantically linked any longer but we are, in a sense, still family and it is important to me for our son to know that.

Just because we didn’t make it as a couple, doesn’t mean we can’t make it as friends.  Maybe this will be the kind of relationship that lasts us a lifetime.

And people, don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I’m in no way giving in or being manipulated here as long as I see this trip for what it is: a chance for my son to spend quality time with both myself and his father and a chance for me to go on the vacation I always wanted, but could never afford.

I’m going to Disney World, with my ex. And I’m going to love it.

Last night I spent a few hours with my son and my ex.

Dare I say, I actually had a great time. 

We played some video games and did a puzzle. I helped Aidan with his homework. We ran around and danced and just enjoyed eachothers company, the three of us.

It felt like home.

I must admit I got completely lost in the moment. It’s not too often that I do that anymore. My mind is always going, anticipating what may or may not happen. It’s as if I’m always on edge, preparing myself for the flight or fight.

I don’t want to live like that anymore.  

If I could just completely let go of the anger and disappointment, and believe me I want to, I think I might actually be able to forgive him for good and totally enjoy the time we get to spend together as a family. 

And by forgive I do not mean get back together. That ship has sailed.

Honestly, if I could let go of every bad thing that has happened to me in my life, not just with my ex, I’m talking my ENTIRE life, I would most certainly be happy.

I’m working on it.

 I’ve come a long way since the separation but I’m only human and I still have those moments where my emotions get the better of me. I know that anger, jealousy and holding on to the old story is no good for any of us.

Really, what does that matter anymore? What’s done is done and there is no going back.

Yes, I went through some rough shit in my lifetime thus far.

Yes, my ex did not treat me how I deserved to be treated at the end of our relationship, but what does holding on to all of that get me?

Now, those are just stories. They are things that happened to me, but they are not who I am anymore. 

I’ve come to realize that I am only hurting myself by harboring ill feelings and resentment. Afterall, my ex has gone on with his life and doesn’t seem to worry about the past. Maybe that’s something I should learn from him.

Even if he can be an asshole.

Just.Move.On.

From this moment on my intent is to let it all go. I need to give up some control and just be, in the moment.

Being stuck in the past, or only looking toward the future, is causing me to miss right now.

Right now my son is growing up. Right now I am too.  Right now, is amazing.

Why would I want to miss that?

It was the best day ever.

Ok, maybe not EVER but it was pretty damn good.

Yesterday fate stepped in and gave me an extra day of Aidan and Mommy time. I LOVE when it does that.
My mother got a stomach virus and wasn’t able to watch the boy, so I had no choice but to call out of work and stay home with him.

I love a valid excuse to ease my guilt.

You see, there’s this condition that some of us single parents suffer from: Shared Custody

Some of the less fortunate are even plagued with weekly visitation schedules in which their former significant others get their children three out of the seven days of the week.

Yea, I’m one of those unlucky bastards.

While it sucks for me, I know it is a great thing for my son. That’s why I agreed to it in the first place when I went to court so many months ago.

My visitation schedule is anything but traditional. Instead of my ex getting every weekend with Aidan, which would’ve been much better for me because of my work schedule, he gets Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays. Maybe I was too nice when I agreed to it, but Aidan’s father is a waiter so he needs to work weekends in order to make the bulk of his income. Having an untraditional schedule was what worked in order for our son to get equal time between us.

Because my primary job is retail I have to work every other weekend. This means that I miss out on a lot of time with my son. I have guilt about it but I know it won’t always be this way. Someday I hope to get a better job where I work Monday through Friday, but for now this is it.

This weekend happens to be my weekend on at Target. I was dreading it, especially because I was supposed to close all weekend. I won’t even be home to put Aidan to bed tonight or tomorrow, but because my mother got sick I was able to have an extra 24 hours with my amazing boy.

We spent the entire day in our jammies. We played games and watched movies. We snuggled and laughed. It was one of the best days I’ve had in a long time.

And that makes going to work today SO much easier.

What. An. Asshole.

Yes you, 20-something Shawn, formerly known as ‘He Whore’, from Sayreville. Let it be known to all women in the Tri State area that YOU are in fact AN ASSHOLE.

That’s one of the great things about having a blog. When someone pisses you off, you have the power to share it with the world.

Normally I would shy away from mentioning names, but I feel that this guy is such jerk that women need to be forewarned.

You already know how I met Shawn if you read my earlier post about the He Whore. As if his initial sneakiness was not enough, he proved last night to have the maturity level of a two year old.

You see my dear readers; Shawn thought that he was really slick by talking to me and my friend at the same time. He thought he was smooth and was truly something special. Now don’t get me wrong, he could be special to someone if he could get over his ego and his need for attention. But special to me he was not.

Shawn had been texting me since the early hours of Saturday morning. I played along the past few days because I found his ridiculousness to be a great source of entertainment while my son was at his father’s.

I let my best friend know the deal that he was attempting to play one or both of us, but I couldn’t help but interact with him anyway because I found his gullibility intriguing.

I also naively thought that maybe, just maybe, he and I could be friends. Shawn has had his heart broken, or so he says, and on some level I thought we both could relate in that department. Sometimes it’s nice to have someone to bitch about the heartache with.

Anyhoo, last night Shawn asked me to hang out, of which I declined. I had no intentions of going out with him. Besides the fact that I had work early this morning, I was hip to his game and I was not interested in playing it with him. Friends? Perhaps. Take naughty pictures for you or hook up with you, no.

I guess Shawn got his panties in a bunch that I refused to hang out because somewhere between the hours of 9pm and 1am, while I was happily sleeping, he unveiled what an ASSHOLE he truly is.

I opened my eyes at 1am to find a text message from him and an email from my bestie.

Apparently Shawn decided to tell my friend that I wanted him all to myself and that I had made it all up that he was flirting or trying to hook up with me in order to get her out of the picture.

Now this is laughable for many reasons but the one that pops first into my head is that anyone who knows me knows that I DO NOT WANT ANY MAN right now. I have no interest in being in an exclusive relationship at this point in time and especially not with some asshole like him.

Second, does he not realize that my friend and I are BEST FRIENDS and she would know that line was complete crap?

He even went as far as to say that he only went out of his way to get my number and start talking to me, because he felt bad for me since his friend, who I initially gave my phone number to, was not at all interested in me.    

Sorry to burst your knight on a white horse bubble Shawn, but I could care less if your friend doesn’t see what an amazing person I am and my world is not going to come tumbling down because he wasn’t going to call me.

I did not need you to save me from second guessing myself, because I wasn’t going to.

Plus, I call bullshit.

Grow the hell up.

The moral of the story here: Shawn is an immature, attention seeking asshole. Look out for him, ladies.

I’d include a picture but even I have to be ethical, sometimes.

Maybe I’m an asshole magnet. Luckily after 16 years of dealing with jerks, I’m now smart enough to spot them and I know exactly how to deal with them. I also know never to let them get the best of me and that somewhere out there, there IS a man who is not an asshole.

And he’s waiting for me.

Someday, I’m going to find him.

I’ve had walls around me. Huge. Concrete. Walls.

I don’t  think you could have busted through those babies with a wrecking ball or even a blast of dynamite.

At times, they made it hard to see and especially feel.

But I want to feel something again. I want the butterflies and the warm and fuzzies to come back. 

The truth is I’m a hopeless romantic. I have so much love to give someone. I just need to find the right person who wants all that love I have to give. 

So far I’ve struck out. 

I realized something major last night thanks to a comment left on my last post.

I was getting discouraged when it came to finding love again. I was truly beginning to think that there was no guy out there that was worth it anymore.

I had sullenly thought that the universe had given me all my chances to feel the warm and fuzzies and now there were no chances left.

Then I really thought about it and I realized it wasn’t that the guys I’ve been meeting didnt have anything to offer.

Ok let’s be honest here , some of them didn’t.

But for themost part it’s been me, not  them.

I still hadn’t fully given up on the idea of my ex and I getting back together.

Well I did months ago, but then his guilt ridden ass came back around trying to lure me in with words and promises that he never meant to keep. Shame on me for falling back into my old ways.

It was the idea that maybe, someday, there would be a happy ending that has kept the walls up around me. Deep down inside I’ve been afraid to completely move on and let myself feel anything for anyone because it meant that it was really over. That my family was no more, and this time it would be on me.

Sort of.

The thing is, I don’t want that old happy ending anymore because it wouldn’t be my happy ending. Would it make my son happy, I’m sure of it. But it’s not what I want any longer.

The old me wanted us to get back together. The old me didn’t know any better. The old me didn’t think she was good enough to be treated the way she deserved.

But this is the new me. And I want more.

So I did it.

I spoke to my ex from the heart last night and I finally told him I had made up my mind and I didn’t want a relationship with him anymore.

A friendship, maybe. But a romance, no.

It’s was time for me to completely let go of the past and open myself up to the future and the possibility of the warm and fuzzies.

I owe it to myself to let love in and at least give it a chance. 

Hopefully now that I’m free, the walls will come tumbling down…..

I just want to be alone. Romantically speaking of course.

Men, suck.

Ok, you all don’t suck but the ones that try to get involved with me in some shape or form certainly seem to.

As you all know I went out Friday night with my girlfriends. I wasn’t looking to meet anyone and in all honesty I was just looking forward to reuniting with my besties, getting silly and dancing my ass off.

Which I did by the way (See pics below)

My one single friend, however, is on the prowl. She’s been separated from her child’s father for a long time and she is looking for her next big love.

I completely get that.

So she met up with a guy at the club who she’s been talking to and of course he had a friend. Since I’m the only other single gal in our group I volunteered my services for the evening as wing-girl. I figured what the heck.

 As much as I’d like to fall in love again SOMEDAY, I know that time is not now. But I also have needs and since it is going on 9 months since I’ve had actual sex with anyone, in fact it may even be longer, I had fooled myself into thinking I might be able to have casual sex sometime in the future.

WRONG.

It’s become ridiculously clear that I am just not a casual sex kind of girl, because even with the casual sex there is too much involved for me.

Plus, men are pigs.

I met a guy Friday night. He was cute and WAY too young for me. I made out with him and gave him my phone number. While that was fun, it just felt empty. There were no fireworks there like when I met my ex and we kissed for the very first time.  

In fact, I’ve kissed a few guys since my separation and there’s been nothing there.

So I’m finally beginning to wonder if I’ll ever feel that again. Have I become so jaded that the fireworks are gone forever or is it simply me being terrified of falling in love and getting hurt that I’ve snuffed the sparks before they even start?  

Whatever the reason, I just want to be alone.  

The real kicker to this story is that I never heard from the guy I made out with.

I know, I know, it’s only been two days but believe me I’m not holding my breath.

Frankly, I don’t even want to hear from him.

I did, however, receive a text message from his friend. Yea, you know the one who was already talking to my bestie?

While the fact that he went out of his way to get my number was flattering, the other fact that a guy would be bold enough to try to talk to the two of us knowing we’re good friends proved to me that MOST men do indeed, suck.

 I’m not interested in meeting someone who just wants me for my body. That whole naughty girl/slut thing isn’t me and I refuse to pretend I’m anything I’m not anymore, especially for a man.

I’m better than that and I don’t need the attention of a man anymore to know how amazing I am.

If there is one thing I’ve learned through all of my relationships, it’s that the bond of friendship is what really lasts. When the lights are back on and so are your clothes, that’s the real test.

If someone is willing to learn that part of me first I’ll know they’re worth it.   

From now on, I’m not settling for anything less than someone who is.

More Mely-mazingness below …….